My husband and I have been married for five years. This year was the first year I remembered our anniversary. I remembered only because he had made a big deal about it to my therapist during a previous session. This also happened to be the month before it so I made sure to remember. I didn’t know it was such a big deal to him. I mean that might be insensitive of me, I realize, but usually holidays and such have never really been a big deal to him. At least that’s what I thought.
You see, I am not the same person who married him. I’m not even the same person who had our older son. She’s been gone for four years or so now. This does make things hard. Yesterday during session our therapist asked me to remember a time we had fun with our husband. It really pissed me off because she knows I have a hard time remembering things. She put me on the spot. It was right in front of husband too. There’s not much I remember about the relationship before 2008 and things have been really bad since then. My only option was to bail; I left the session and went to the bathroom.
We know about the important stuff, like our engagement. We’ve heard that story being told several times. Husband proposed on a glacier in Juno, Alaska. We took a helicopter to the top of a glacier and went dog sledding. In the middle of the ride we stopped for a picture and that’s when he proposed. The memory I have of it is a picture of him putting the ring on my finger but that’s not a real memory. It’s just a memory of an actual picture we have. I do think I have actual memory flashes of times during that trip though. Then again, it could just be from the actual pictures we have.
I remember some of us having a big fit a couple of days right before the wedding. We tried to convince her to get out of it. Obviously didn’t work. Not because he’s a bad guy because he’s not a bad guy at all. He’s actually the best man we’ve ever known but because the relationship wasn’t right. Things inside we’re starting to crack and fall apart. Lately, he reminds us of this saying, “you didn’t even really want to marry me. You said you felt forced.” It does hurt when he says those things. I do love him and he is my best friend. He’s the father of our kids. We just don’t really know each other. Figure that one out. I’m constantly trying to….
Some of this is very familiar! I’m not the one who married hubby, our Gloria is. Right now a couple of us are having serious issues with the marriage. I, Kali, am committed to making it work but someone else is not at all. I remember some things about the wedding but mostly only from pictures. I sympathize with you! I hope things will work out for you and your husband.
~Kali
Thank you Kali. It’s very nice to meet you!It’s nice to have someone relate.. means you know how difficult it can be. I hope things work out with you and your husband as well. Take care,
IP
[...] InviziblePain wrote this post about not being the one her husband married, it really struck a chord with me. I was already [...]